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May. 16th, 2010 @ 08:30 pm Just in the mood
Current Location: United States, New Jersey, Freehold
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: watching TV
Tags: , , ,
Sitting here waiting for my X to bring my daughter home from her grandma's house. It still feels strange being here all by myself. I miss my kids. Sure I knew the boys would grow up have their own lives but this hardly ever seeing them and then having my X have the nerve to tell me I have no business being in their lives and being concerned about how he makes them feel low priority in his life . Damn he spends a fortune on his fiance and the boys? The least he possibly can. Those poor kids are going to be in debt for the rest of their lives to pay for their college education while he plans trips to Israel, buys expensive rings and things for his Fiancee. At least I know I gave my son $5000 toward a car. My other son a notebook computer before I planned any vacations or expensive items for myself. My x though can't say that. He doesn't have a clue how to not be totally selfish. I cant help wondering what will happen when his fiancee finds out who he really is and sees all the money he was spending and all the vacation time was all an act. Wonder if she will still love that tight wad hehe.

Okay I admit it I'm a bit bitter. I find it so hard to understand what I was thinking spending so many years with him. i guess having been with him since age 17 I just didn't think I deserved better. Do I have regrets? YOU BET! But also I would never give up what that relationship gave me 3 of the best kids in the world. Two that are already adults and on their way to being successful in life and the other one of the sweetest and most caring little girl in the world.

In that I am a very lucky and grateful woman.
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kitten
Jun. 23rd, 2009 @ 07:27 pm Going to England/Paris this summer!
Current Location: in my office
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Can't wait. Just got my plane tickets today and as soon as I get hold of my friend will make hotel reservations in Paris! Promised myself no matter what after the divorce I was going to start to travel the world at least every other year. I have alot of years to make up for having gone no where during my marriage. I want to travel the world while I'm still young enough to enjoy it:)

After all isn't that what life is all about?
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kitten
Nov. 25th, 2006 @ 02:20 am The fun has begun :)
Current Location: at home at my desk
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: none right now
Well it is funny for years the rp world has been so important to me but now that seems to have all changed. Although no one ever knew because it has been my secret for so long I have been writing stories and plays for myself since I was 13 years old. I have never shown anyone my writing in fact no one in my family ever knew I

Anyhow I have been trying to write a science fiction book all my life and I dont know what changed except maybe all my Rp experience as a teacher, rp manager in many sites and player has made me finally ready to show others at least one of my stories? Well this last week or so I got a storyline idea for a Science fiction story. I just started writing and couldnt stop until I finished a whole chapter. Well my friend Jamie had introduced me to this awesome Wrting site so I posted the story there and now that I have he edited it for me. I have to say that there was probably more red than black on it after he finished editing lol but now I am working hard at rewriting it. Have to say having the time of my life doing so. I just dont care anymore to write Rp posts. When I'm online all I want to do now is work on my story even lesson planning is taking up too much time I would rather be writing. i have never had so much fun. People from the site I posted it on have been so helpful and complementary just makes me feel so good and encouraged to write more. I already have Chapter 2 started although still editing Chapter one :)

Well not sure anyone really wants to read the story so if you do I would be happy to send you the link if you email or Im me lol. Just remember the site i posted on might seem a little unusual lol but the writers on it are increadable which is why I posted my story there :D.

raven45@gmail.com
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kitten
Sep. 16th, 2006 @ 10:27 pm Dissapointment
Current Location: where do you think?
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: I wish there was some here
Oh yeah that should be the theme of my whole life. Whenever I get my hopes up too high something comes along like a pail of ice water on it and just dashes everything down to the ground. I have this friend you see someone that is very special to me that i can tell almost anything to and i think it is the same with him. Well anyhow due to the lovely middle east war my friend had to move away from his home so far away that he was 7 hours farther in time zone than he had been before which is 14 hours before me now.

Now for some reason this time difference has like made it near impossible for us to talk to each other anymore. When he is availible on MSN I'm at work and when I'm availible he is either sleeping or at school. It so sucks. the worst thing is that even though there are times when we really could have gotten to talk more than 5 minutes at a time something always comes along to interrupt us and he is never there when i am. Well i made the mistake of thinking this one time the universe would let us talk to each other this morning but as always happens and of course did his sister was online and he was sleeping. since he moved over 2 months ago we literally havent had more than 20 minutes conversations most of them being 5 minutes long before one of us has to go.

Anyhow I was so happy we were going to talk there i was got up Saturday morning just as we agreed in emails to each other and my friend wasnt online. Damn it was so dissapointing. i mean emails are one thing but there is just something so limiting about these one way conversations. I swear when I saw he wasn't there and again his sister was on i just couldnt stop crying. Why i would think we could actually talk I just dont know but i have to admit my hopes had been sky high and then it was like everything just crashed.

The question is can friendship last when it is only one way? I mean i have done everything i can to make it convenient and easy For him to talk to me and yet nothing works. I have friends all over the world i talk to but the one person i want to talk to the most I cant. sometimes i feel I cant handle this emotional roller coaster any more and i would be better off just leaving the net where i couldnt be hurt anymore. All the support i originally came to the net for is gone and in its wake is sadness.
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kitten
Sep. 10th, 2006 @ 02:23 am LOL
Current Location: here
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: none although i love the song on Izz's myspace
Seriously posting here like every 9 months is that a record? Was talking to Heazie the other day and I realized i hadnt been back here in like forever so i thought okay I'm going to check it out. Since i last wrote in it so much has happened in my life i dont even know where to start.

Anyhow I guess I will go backwards in time. You know that site i was talking about? Isaac's dream site? Well his RL caught up to him and he dumped the whole site right into my lap. Now that would have been fine if i actually wanted the site but seriously I was just hanging around there in the last few months cause i loved working with Izz again. Once he left I just lost interest. I was then staying there because of Ant but he also found his RL and wasnt there anymore so yesturday I did it I resigned from the site after renewing the domain and dropped it firmly into Ant and Dan's lap. Let them have the headaches of it hehe.

Meanwhile my friend Joey and i an some awesome staff created our own dreams site www.twisted-realities.org and i have to say that the site came out even better than we could have dreamed. It is incredably active and growing as well as loads of fun to play in and work in.

Also more fun I met some really nice new friends and i am now Rpg manager in thier 2 sites. It is my dream job :) I am not a leader in either site just helping create and develope the rpg's. In one site i will be managing the neutral forum where both sides come together which sounds fun as well as teaching Rp there. Definately my cup of tea. I'm also supposed to be working on the free form rp in Lost but until Georgie gets the site back together and Ste comes back online that is on hold for now. Too bad the rp would be lots of fun we were really following the outline of the show.

Okay what else oh yeah Ant left Lebanon during that horrible middle east war. I'm so happy he is safe although I really miss being able to talk to him. I thought our time zones sucked before now we are 14 hours apart :(. Jamie also moved I have never seen him so happy also but his phone also crapped out so I havent heard from him in a while. As for Isaac hmm well I have never seen a kid with a busier RL. I just hope in the middle of it he is having some fun. Miss talking to him too. Oh yeah out of all the people i mentioned 9 months ago Joey is still around Yay! and I love talking to him all the time as well as working on our site together. Also Neo. Although we have our ups and downs I still love talking to him and I'm glad that we work together in TR. He is a very talented guy although i dont think he always believes that.

Oh yeah great news. Gus has a girlfriend and he seems so happy. I think this is the one and although it will be a while some day the 2 of them will be married. I'm seriously hoping to be able to go to thier wedding. that would be so awesome. I happy for Gus he so deserves the best. Saving the best for last hehe. Chris is in college and i have never heard him so happy. i'm glad i think it is going to be wonderful for him he is already making friends and blossoming.
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kitten
Dec. 4th, 2005 @ 04:34 pm Haha I'm back
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Well dont know why maybe it was talking to Stephen about having an LJ but i just feel like writing in this one today. I know it is pretty boring next to everyone elses but who cares it is mine muhaha as Jamie always says. Anyhow life here has gotten pretty crazy in some ways calmer in others. I finally went through my MSN list and deleted everyone that no longer talks to me that i no longer want to talk to either. It is funny now that i have i have actually been talking to some friends i havent spoken to in months. Probably since long before i left Ctp.

Anyhow except for my friends from there that i seem to still find all over the net (I guess we travel in the same net circles hehe) Ctp seems like a lifetime ago. Real life kind of dwarfed it since i have had a job since last April and most of my net time is spent doing weekly preparation for my teaching job. Although I still am involved in Rp though mostly through owning sites and creating them. I'm definately enjoying that aspect of it especially working with my best friends. We took Isaac's incredably creative invision site and converted it to a VB. I just love it so much and working with him again seriously creating as well as some rping is always the most fun. And yeah I just kind of got involved in an Rp site i have been a member of for many months just so i can Rp again with Manu and some of my other friends. I'm really looking forward to playing with them . It seroiusly seems so long since I have done any recreational Rping i hope i still remember how to do it.

Other than that i have made some great new friends since i last posted here. Heazie and I have become increadable real life friends and Of course Chris and I still have that friendship that noone in my fasmily can understand but he is still my best friend other than Debbie, I adore Jamie and Toddy and just love talking to them. I Miss Joey so much since he started having computer problems I so wish he would start to come back on skype . Then we have Trent and B two increadbly sweet guys I just adore . And Ant and Isaac oh my I feel like i have known both of them like forever they are so different from each other but ever so special in thier own ways. Last of all i have to mention my new friend Sabrina . who would have imagined i would find someone i have so much in common with on the net yay!
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kitten
Dec. 28th, 2004 @ 10:59 pm Twice in one week wow
Current Mood: angryangry
Wow this is new for me remembering to actually post here in less than a month. I can't believe how damn quiet it is. With Chris and Nick both offline having the time of their life together I bet it is like dead on the net. I actually called Todd and we talked for like over an hour it was fun. He is one cool kid it was a nice conversation. Both he and I were hoping the Nick and Chris would call us today but what can you do they forgot all about us :P. Anyhow Todd and I made up for it talking about a million things. It is amazing on how we agree about so much stuff in the rp world and otherwise.

Also since I was injured this week and my back is killing me I really couldn't move too much so I spent most of the day just sitting here chatting with people. It was really nice I never realized how much Neo and I are alike seems we have alot of the same philosophy of life and friendship. I read his blog and some of the stuff he wrote could have been written by me. Of course he is much more talented in expressing himself but the ideas were there.

Finally heard from Manu he is okay was just busy with his scouts. Sounded like he had a nice time. Still missing Isaac a one minute chat just doesn't do it for me and he still hardly ever comes on a chat program :(. Ah forgot to mention Ant my long lost charge in FGb got his internet again at least for a short while so i introduced him to HT and he has been having fun there. I'm glad the poor kid gets so little net play and yet always seems in a happy mood. He seems like a really nice kid. Figures Kail immediately went after him and dissed almost everything about his posts. So much so the kid just deleted them all and left the thread. Ah to think CTP used to be fun for many many months. Until all the rule mungers took over and took all the fun away from almost every portion of it.

I will not talk about my new found enemy all I will say is I still will never understand him. I hope some day he will wake up and realize that there is more to life than him and that other people's feelings matter. In some ways I think he has brought out some of my own evil tendencies which I blame him for. I usually am very clear headed but anger at being treated as less than a person has fogged my brain and all i can think of now is revenge. Very very dangerous to bring that in me and being injured on top of it was not good. I hope my adult sensibilities will stop me from doing something everyone might regret.

Ah Neo wants me to add his blog to my journal page haven't figured that one out yet but it would be nice to be affiliates. Darn it has never seemed so quiet here. Guess I really can't think of much else to say I kind of had a rant in my chat with all the HT people we will see what comes from that.
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kitten
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 01:08 pm Back again
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Wow I just looked at this thing. It has been forever since I wrote in it. I still can't believe it has been over 4 months since Kail has talked to me. OMG what could I have ever done for him to hate me so much? I finally got to talk to him 3rd hand through George and I still don't understand anything. I'm not mad anymore just terribly terribly hurt. It is like a wall has been put up on my heart and I can't deal. Every time I open myself up to be friends with someone I get hurt. You would think as many years as I have existed in this world I would have created some kind of shield against this but no I have to wear my heart on my sleeve and let people hurt me. In some ways the computer age stinks it makes it so much easier to be able to really really hurt people and not deal with the consequences of it. I know if my kids did that to someone else they would lose net access until they moved out and were adults.

In other matters well soon I should be getting the Money from Chris and Nocturnal board will really be on its way to existence. I got a bonus from FGB which really would have been cool if I didn't also mess up on my Promo fight. Phoebe is being really cool though and gave me another promo fight and if i can get myself to actually post in CTP I might actually get promoted. It is just so hard to go there now just makes me sad. Love being a Mod and Trainer in Hidden Truths though . Having a blast running my own RP class and actually using my teaching certification for something kind of "real"

Do have lots of friends so cool that Nick came out with the truth about himself makes me feel even closer to him which is kind of hard cause he and Chris are probably the closest friends I have besides Debbie and Robin and we have yet to meet in person yet. Trying to rectify that though planning a trip out to my sister's in Feb and hopefully getting to meet both of them while I'm there. I can't think of anything I want more.

Haven't heard from Manu in a while starting a to get a bit worried about him hope everything is okay. Isaac talked for about a minute but i know he is doing good . Also glad I finally heard from Neo he is doing okay also which is really nice. Concerned about Todd but I think he will be alright in the long run. Ah who else?

Oh yeah joined that dragon game of Nick's having much too much fun with it lol. My character is married to his again much too much fun.

Marriage still surviving although who knows with that day by day. Steve and I had a great anniversary dinner which only got ruined when I fell on the ice and completely bruised myself. Now I'm just a painful mess. Oh well what can you do? Wow get started with this thing can't stop and I need to get off and get ready to take the kids to the dentist.
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kitten
Nov. 6th, 2004 @ 09:56 pm Back again
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: The Name of the Game
Okay I know it has been a damn month or more since I was back here but I have just been so damn pissed I didn't want to write. That was probably a major error in my part cause I feel so much better when I put my thoughts down. Anyway I feel like I am losing control of my life. Here I am a damn adult and everyone in my family tries to tell me what I should or should not be doing. I'm so sick and tired of all the crap I could scream! Finally after years and years of floundering around I have found something I enjoy doing and am good at. Yes people it gives me self esteem which has been so so lacking in my world from the time I was a little kid and could never measure up to one thing my sister did and could never be good enough in my families eyes for anything. I guess you could call it a self fullfilling prophecy. Like my new friend Neo says if you expect something to happen it probably will.

Oh yeah talking about that I'm feeling ultra sad. I thought I had made a real honest to goodness friend that I could talk to about just about anything and he could talk to me but for some reason the kid blocks me on MSN and just deletes every letter I send him. I feel helpless in this situation and lost. I try to forget all about him I do fine during the day but when I wake up in the morning I find myself thinking about something I want to tell him and then I remember Kail won't even communicate with me and it starts of my whole day rotten. Yeah I know I should just be grateful for the friends I do have I really do cherish Chris, Mich , Todd , Manu and Isaac although I still find myself really missing Kail. I'm sorry but it does hurt. Hey you notice something ? All my best friends on the net are guys. I guess this is not new to me it was like that in college also when i hung out with all the guys.

Ah but in real life I do have special friends that are girls. I adore my friend Debbie I guess you would say that other than my hubby or somedays more so she is the most important person in my life. I see very little of Robin also but I certainly enjoy every moment I get to spend with her.

Ah now a little bit of life. I still have yet to plan the family cruise for the spring break. I sure do hope it isn't too late I really really need that vacation and I know the kids and hubby do also.
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kitten
Sep. 29th, 2004 @ 04:27 pm 2nd Entry
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Okay life is getting even more complicated. Going to my so called computer addiction counseling . Trying to figure out how to give into all the demands on my life without going crazy. It is so hard I could give up the rping if I really had to but on the friends I have made from doing it? Nope I couldn't just give up on them. As much as my family tries to convince me they are all fantasy I know they are wrong. There are a few of my internet friends that I consider real life friends and although some of them i don't even know the last names of I still feel that way. As for my other internet friends I know their last names and some day I hope to meet them in person and I know they feel the same. I know that you can meet internet friends in person cause I already have and I have to say the experience was an awesome one.
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kitten